tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 30, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> hi, stephen. >> oh, hi lauren cohan from "the walking dead." thanks for being on the show tonight. >> my pleasure. you look really down is there it's just-- look, can i ask a question? >> of course,. >> stephen: i've been fighting this one zombie pretty seriously for months and he has never once tried to eat my brain or rip out my guts. i guess what i'm asking is how do you know when a zombie is into you? >> stephen, what zombie wouldn't want to eat your flesh? >> stephen: i am well marbled-- >> besides, if this zombie doesn't want to tear off your face, you know what? there are plenty of zombies in the sea. >> stephen: really, they're in
>> yeah. they don't have to breath. >> stephen: but what about my zombie? maybe my brain is not juicy enough for him. >> hey, if this zombie is too dim to realize the delicious head meat that is right in front of him, then you don't need him >> stephen: you think so? >> i know so. and believe it our not, one day you're going to find that special zombie w ingest your organs. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes. tim daly. lauren cohan. and musical guest, sleigh bells. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
>> stephen: hey! what's going on? hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! what's going on? >> jon: i had to get it. i had to get it! >> stephen, stephen, stephen stephen! >> stephen: what's going on? what's up? >> stephen! stephen! ? ? ? ( cheers ) >> stephen: that's awfully nice. thanks, everybody. that's lovely. wooo! ( cheers ) >> stephen: please, everybody, thank you so much. wow.
welcome to "the late show." so glad you're here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. it's lovely to be back. we haven't seen you guys for a week. i hope you guys-- everybody have a good thanksgiving? ( cheers and applause ) i did, too. i had a fantastic-- jon, you were there. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: here's something i discovered this thanksgiving. i discovered if you bury your face in the pecan pie, it absorbs your screams. ( laughter ) and best part is, after you-- it's true-- after you put your face in it, you get to have the whole pie. you just keep shovel it in there, and if you keep the pie in your mouth, you don't have time to yell at rick. >> jon: i remember that. >> stephen: so, anyway, what's happening, guys? seriously, what the hell is going on? ( laughter ) i haven't been watching the news much, the last week, and i just
wick back in it last night, and i still don't know what to make of our president-elect. yeah, it's hard to know what he's doing. and here's one of the reasons. the last time donald trump held a news conference was july 27. remember those days? the conventions were in full swing, rihanna was dancing with drake and into our hearts. mike and dave had not yet found wedding dates. but here's the thing-- donald trump, even though he is president-elect, is still not letting reporters follow him. trump is ditching the white house press corps like they're paparazzi. journalists have to trick their way into reporting on the man who's going to have the nuclear launch codes. >> right now, in a new york restaurant-- not far from here, in fact-- president-elect trump is having dinner with mitt romney. how did you get into the restaurant? >> we had gotten a tip, anderson, before this dinner that it was possible they could be here. so like any enterprising
and make a reservation. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, it's all about reservations. and i have alot of them. ( laughter ) trump and romney last night were dining at a four-star french restaurant called jean-georges. sounds fancy, but jean-georges could be french for "waffle house." and they were joined by reince priebus, who is trump's chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. "would you care to start with some priebus? it has been lightly reince'd." ( laughter ) the billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and saute?ed frogs legs. i thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: sound good, though, sounds good. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: here's the thing-- mitt romney at dinner with trump. no. i know mitt is up for secretary of state, but i also know what mitt said during the campaign. >> donald trump is a phony, a fraud. his promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. he's playing the members of the american public for suckers. he gets a free ride to the white house, and all we get is a lousy hat. >> stephen: yes, all we get is garlic soup and the frogs legs. i bet those frogs legs taste a little bit like trump's (bleep). >> jon: whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, did. ( cheers and applause ) did trump enjoy this public display of his most prominent republican critic bending the knee? i don't know.
trump at the dinner. yeah, i think he did. i'm glad they shot that from the waist up. because he seems very happy. now, some people think in this photo trump looks like the devil here. i think he looks like the guy who fired the devil one week before christmas. "you can't fire me one week before the holidays. you're a monster. what about my son damien? you know he has asthma. he was counting on that trip to that's my devil. so trump looks like he's feasting on baby souls in that photo, but what about romney? let's take a look. oh! oh mitt! oh, mitt! i know he ordered the frog, but it looks like he's eating crow. ( laughter )
i know, this is how-- this is kind of how i feel all the time. that face-- i find myself making that face a lot since the election. ( laughter ) what's happening? what's happening? what's happening? i don't know what's happening. ( laughter ) i don't know how much we're going to keep on this for broadcast, but most of-- i think we're off the air at aren't we? all right. you know what i don't necessarily understand. have you heard about the recount going on in wisconsin. for those of you who haven't heard, jill stein, the green party's presidential candidate and grandma's new roommate, is seeking a recount in wisconsin, michigan, and pennsylvania. but she's not looking to change the results. stein explicitly says on her website: "our effort to recount votes is not intended to help
>> it's all summed up in her campaign slogan-- jill stein:i'm not helping. you know what else isn't helping, donald trump's tweets. he's gotten his phone back, evidently, and he apparently has a lot of free time. what's going tow happen now? is this how we learn about are we just going to have a tweet of the union? #strong. trump tweeted plenty oh, the cray-cray this past week. but the craziest was this gentlemen: now, when asked for proof that there were millions of illegal votes, trump said he couldn't
of dogs ate it. and, yesterday, trump took more time off from setting up-- again, the government of the united states-- to tweet this: ok, first of all, those aren't equivalent things. loss of citizenship-year in jail. that's like your dad say "johnny, you took the car out without permission. so you're either grounded or castrated." you choose. no, no. that's it, snip, snip. snip, snip. and it looked like trump brought up flag burning out of nowhere. until someone noticed that "'fox and friends'" did a segment on flag burning just before trump's tweet."
off tweets about the last thing he saw on tv, which explains trump's other tweet, "british geckos are stealing insurance commercial jobs from american amphibians. #draintheswamp." ( cheers and applause ) oh, you know what? >> jon: i remember that. i saw that one, too. i saw that one, too. >> stephen: the thing is, no matter how you feel about flag burning-- and for the record i'm not a fan-- i agree that the american flag should not be it is a sacred symbol that should be honored, whether it be on paper plates or napkins or banana hammocks. we've got a great show for you tonight. when we return, we'll have some "midnight confessions," so stick around. wooo! ? ? ?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. give it up for jon batiste and stay human television, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. with, longtime viewers of my face my remember that, oh, observer the break, i put jon on the spot about whether he was going to come to thanksgiving dinner. >> jon: yes, you did. >> stephen: and you did. thank you so much for coming. >> jon: thank you for having me. >> stephen: it was really lovely. great to have you there. >> jon: it was great, it was great. >> stephen: we had two tables. we had 24 people.
>> jon: yeah, i was at a very young people. >> stephen: you had a lot of young people over there. >> jon: yeah, we were loud and eating a lot of the biscuits that you had. >> stephen: my mother-in-law, patty-- you had four? >> jon: i had four. >> stephen: there was only enough for two for everybody. you realize that. somebody did not get biscuits because of you. >> jon: i was bargaining the whole time. i knew -- >> it turned into a batter system? a. yeah, that's right.>> stephee dinner was over, you were really generous. you played piano. we can a hours in my living room. my wife is going to kill me for showing this, but could we-- jimmy, do we have a footage of that? ? ? ? ? dancing in the moonlight." >> stephen: there i am, sing my 14th cocktail next to jon. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) that's 10:00 at night. >> jon: right. >> stephen: that's 10:00 at night. and i've been having old
morning. >> jon: right, right, right. >> stephen: i really felt like i was on key the entire time. >> jon: you were. >> stephen: was i really? >> jon: you even played guitar. i didn't know you played guitar. >> stephen: i don't, i hope you had a good time. i hope we didn't wear out your fingers? >> jon: no, it's cool. i'm used to it. >> stephen: you're an athlete from the wrist down. >> jon: actually, more than that, you know. >> stephen:le really, really? >> jon: i like-- you should >> stephen: all right. we should play basketball some time. >> jon: let's do that. >> stephen: hey, how about a basketball game, two on two, you and me against obama and biden? wouldn't that be fun? >> jon: wooo"n." >> stephen: want to make that happen? it's going to happen. it's going to happen. "what's up, mr. president. what's up, mr. vice president? are you scared?" i think i just got on a watch list or something like that. anyway, it was lovely to have you there.
>> jon: absolutely. >> stephen: happy thanksgiving. as you know, i am a practicing catholic. unfortunately, i don't make it to church as often as i used to because i have this thing where i'm very sleepy in the morning. one of the things i miss-- i love the ritual. my favorite ritual is going to confession. so what i do every so often is cob fess my sins to you, the audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbe ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back.
audience, audience, i-- i need your forgiveness. i legally changed my name to deb so it wouldn't be stealing when i eat her yogurt in the breakroom fridge. ( laughter ) sometimes i tell cbs that my religious holidays include toyotathon and lobsterfest. ( laughter ) i take it personally when my dog breaks eye contact. ( laughter ) lately, i've been thinking we should get a written guarantee that our country will last forever before we buy forever stamps. ( laughter ) i have no idea how the stock market works.
( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i go to salad bars to feel healthy. then i fill a taco bowl with ranch dressing and bacon bits. ( laughter ) audience, people keep saying tow me, "as a comedian, aren't you just a little bit happy that trump won?" and i gotta say, that makes me eye with a fondue fork. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i mail my own christmas cards because i like the way envelopes taste. ( applause )
hoof. ( laughter ) i greet all of my staff by saying "happy birthday," so i never have to learn if i'm right or not. ( laughter ) if you ever send me your screenplay, i will never read your screenplay. but i can tell you right now it has pacing problems and everyone just tell your parent you're gay. they'll love you anyway. ( laughter ) i know eating broccoli would probably add years to my life, but i don't want to spend those years eating broccoli. ( laughter ) sometimes, i wear a superhero costume under my clothes. but it's not a weird thing. it's a sex thing. ( laughter )
if they ever reveal trump's secret list of enemies, i'll be a little hurt if i'm not on it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) ( laughter ) i likecy can sweat without having to exercise. ( laughter ) i have a fake service animal. i got a certificate for my dog. i know it's wrong, but i just want her with me whenever i board a roller coaster. ( laughter ) whenever tom hanks comes on my show, i sell the half-eaten food he leaves behind on ebay. ( laughter )
in nick-- in high school, in high school, audience, my nickname was "dr. strange." not because i loved the marvel character, but because i wore a lab coat in gym class. ( laughter ) "i think christmas has become too commercialized" is what i tell people i forget to buy presents for. ( cheers and applause ) i only tip the food delivery guy $1 for every piece of clothing i'm wearing when i open the door. sometimes there's no tip at all. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: we'll be right back with tim daly. ? ? ? ( applause )
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: fantastic. hey, welcome back, everybody. folks, my first guest tonight is a talented actor who stars in the hit cbs secretary." >> it can't be, can it, something as insignificant as one congressman's old baggage sway the presidency? >> sometimes it's nice to think that a small act of kindness can make a big difference. hey, most historical events happen just because some guy fell off his buggy. >> inaccurate, but appreciated. >> hey, dad. >> hi. >> i heard you had a few drinks last night. >> ummm... all right, go to the
>> stephen: please welcome tim daly. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> they're very kind. they're very nice. >> stephen: the audience is very nice. nice to see you again. >> great to be seen. >> stephen: how were your holidays so far? how was thanksgiving? >> you know, thanksgiving is great. i like the actual holiday of thanksgiving, because involves, you know, food and drink and stuff like that. but i have to say, you know, you never thought in my lifetime they would watch the news and have black friday be a story. like, why do i have to know? why do i have to turn on the news and have a newscaster say, "americans spent more this black friday than in any time in history." >> stephen: well, everyone loves a good trampling. >> i guess that's right. >> stephen: it's america's running of the bulls. ( laughter ). >> seriously-- gr you don't engage in the black friday?
for the wide-screen tv? >> i don't, but i am susceptible to-- i no longer say, "merry christmas, happy hanukkah or happy holidays." i say, "merry retail shopping season." that's what it is. but i am susceptible going to buy something and see something to buy for myself. >> stephen: you are susceptib-- you think you're buying for someone else, but you get it for yourself? >> yes. >> stephen: that's just selfish. that's not susceptible. don't dress that up as something where you're a victim. >> i am susceptible to selfishness. i suffer from selfishness. i have the heartbreak of selfishness. >> stephen: there's no cure. >> it's sweeping the country right now, as a matter of fact. but, yeah, you know, i mean you would think at my age i would no longer be on the pursuit for the perfect pair of jeans, but apparently i am. i still have this idea -- >> you haven't found the perfect
( laughter ). >> stephen: how do you wear-- jeans last for years? why are you wearing out your jeans so fast, tim daly? >> i don't know. i'm brain washed, i think. i have a problem. >> stephen: do you like the season itself? do you get swept up in the pumpkin space gingerbread latteness of it. i love the music and i love being manipulated by merchandising every year. i do. i know it's christmas when i'm crying over songs i haven't heard in a >> no, i do. and, you know, i have a farm in vermont, so i tend to do things like go -- >> hold on, hold on, hold on. "i have a farm in vermont." so... you're just farm dropping over here. "i have a farm in vermont upon of." >> oh, oh,. >> stephen: is it, like, a working farm? sort of, yeah. >> stephen: could you have cows and stuff. stuff. >> i have heifers-- okay, i have a farmer friend who grazes heifers on my pastures so i get
cows but none of the work. >> stephen: you're not a farmer. you're an exterior designer. ( laughter ). >> no, and i have a big organic garden they grow and i have chickens and stuff like that. anyway, but giup there and cut down sometimes my own christmas tree and drag it through the woods and the kids have a snow ball fight until someone cries. it's great, i love it. >> stephen: memories for a lifetime. you are politically involved. you were supporting the hills.an were like, "i could totally see trump winning." you said that. >> yeah. >> stephen: you said, "it's possible for this guy to win." >> yeah. >> stephen: now that he has do you-- how are you? ( laughter ) i'm just asking a lot of people that, how are you? >> well, you know, i'm not well. look, it was-- it was very difficult for me to take because i worked for hillary, and i believed in her a lot. but that said, i feel somewhat
get off my behind and get to work on some of the stuff that i think is really important. i'm the president of an arts advocacy organization called the creative coalition. >> stephen: i heard about this, but i don't know what it is. what is the creative coalition? >> well, our mission is to protect, defend, and promote the arts in the united states, particularly public arts education because it's. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. it's our belief that every child should be exposed to and as a matter of fact, because of this election, i have-- i'm now proposing a 28th amendment to the constitution. and i want to bestow this upon you, which pretty much says it all. >> stephen: "the right to bear arts." that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) i like that. that's lovely. "an imaginative and expressive population being necessary to the security of a free state,
that's nice. ( cheers and applause ). >> that's right. >> stephen: now, i agree, i agree. it's difficult, though, it's difficult sometimes to quantify what-- like what the value of arts is to-- to-- to the country or to kids. >> it's really hard, you know. and i had this sort of epiphany about a year and a half ago. i was invited to do this podcast called "the infinite monkey cage." >> stephen: i know that. it's a british podcast. >> and this guy named bryan cox a fo astrophysicist, jenna lavin, bill nye, the science guy, and he were guests on this panel. >> stephen: wow. >> and these people were talking about string theory and time travel and black holes and all this stuff. and i'm sitting there thinking, "what am i doing here on this panel with these people, this artist," right. and i noticed something was projected over us on the stage. it was here in new york and it was a huge theater, pack filled. and by the way, projecting on
not a good plan, by the way. but it said-- it was a quote from carl sagan and it said, "for small creatures such as us, the vastness is only bearable through love." and i thought, now i know why i'm here. because what carl sagan understood was all the science and engineer and math and the quest for knowledge isn't worth anything to human beings unless it's in emotional context, and that's where artists c because we make it something that communicates to people that they can identify with, because arts are the common elect of our humanity. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like that. >> just saying. >> stephen: love alone endures, too. yeah, yeah. okay, let me ask you something about "madam secretary" here. okay. people used to say, "hey, madam secretary, loose thiek imitating reality. you got a secretary of state as a woman.
well, now that that didn't happen, how does it feel to be on the show? because for a while there, it really seemed like you were parallelling the real world. >> it turns out i'm on a science fiction show. ( laughter ) i didn't even know. i thought it was kind of based in reality. you know, it's odd. i mean, the thing is that if nothing else, the-- what's happening in our current political situation has been rivettirivetting and entertainid you worry that, you know, the political situation he but i think that it's actually really a great show for people because it gives this-- this world where it's actually working, which is sort of science fiction. >> stephen: yeah. i'm looking forward to politics that are lesentertaining than our tv dramas. >> that's exactly right. it's like banking. remember when banking usinged to be boring? not anymore. >> stephen: no. now it's a horror show. ( laughter ) well, tim, thank you so much for
nice to see you. "madame secretary" airs sundays at 9:00 p.m. on cbs. tim daly, everybody! we'll be right back with "the walking dead's" lauren cohan. what is it? it's samsung gear vr. you put it in there... push the play button. ohhh... (gasps) (laughs) oh my gosh! whooooah! (screams) wow. (sighs) (laughter) you've gotta try this. ? first there is shaving. blades. sharp and precise. then gillette shielding. comfy lubrication before and after. and also cooling. oooh. i got goosebumps.
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? sleep in heavenly peace ? ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. my next guest stars in one of the biggest shows on television, "the walking dead." please welcome lauren cohan! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome! nice to see you. >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to see you.
>> stephen: now i found out something shortly before the show that you and i kind of have in common. is it your uncle-- >> my uncle went to school with you. >> stephen: we went to college together at a small all-male college in virginia. hamp city college in hamp city, virginia. that's how small it is. does he have any stories about me? >> he said stephen will be exceedingly polite because we both were taught with the handago book of -- >> this is actually t. at the college that your uncle and i went to you are given a book of etiquette when you arrive. and it's all-- again, it's an all-male college. the motto is, "where the men are men and the women are guests." ( laughter ) but it sounds better in latin. and they give you a book when you arrive there called, "to manners born, to manners bred." this is an actual book you get as a freshman. did he tell you any of the things they taught us there?
called, "women and how to treat them." >> yeah, yeah. that's how he treats women. >> stephen: yes never sit while a woman stands, even on a public conveyance. ( laughter ) >> just kidding! ( laughter ) but you have all kinds of secrecy dres codes and -- >> oh, my god, yes. it says in here, avoid colored dinner jackets like the playing. >> what counts as color. >> stephen: anything but blark baby. white dinner jackets look best in the bogart. stick to black. yes. >> i want to write a mock-up for the ladies' guide to this. >> stephen: you're english. do you think that the english are more polite or americans are more polite? >> i'm half glrk half american. but i'm half polite. >> stephen: does either side accept you? >> yes, maybe both, maybe both. >> stephen: to me you sound english. to english people do you sound american? >> every time i go home i'm
exact let's same. >> stephen: wow. you should just live in the middle of the ocean. >> i tried! >> stephen: iceland or something like that. does it bother you. do you say, "no, no i'm english." or "no, no i'm american." or do you like the half and half. >> i heard a quote, the whole context is too long to explain-- asking to choose is like asking to choose between a mother and father. i thought oh, my gosh, that's so perfect. i don't have a preference. i am half of each. i am american >> stephen: how do you feel about thanksgiving because those pilgrims are trying to get away from you people? ( laughter ) and yet are you an american at the same time. like, do you-- do you celebrate thanksgiving when you're in england? >> i remember thanksgiving, and i celebrate thanksgiving in the way that we all do by eating. yeah. yeah. >> stephen: do you eat a lot at thanksgiving. >> i eat pilgrims, i eat -- >> you eat pilgrims.
to see right after thanksgiving. in the checkout line this just makes you feel guilty. you're on the cover of "health" magazine right now. ( applause ) i'm not saying i'm angry or jealous at you. that you have a flat belly. but you must get some hostile stares. >> i'm going to tell you-- nothing like having your magazine in the supermarket makes you want to be healthy. like you had the pie -- >> that it's possible if you to look like this. >> you can't go schlubbing around. and you want to, and you go damn me! >> stephen: i heard this. you said you started using the hashtag no more pie. >> i really say it to myself and share it with three million people just to -- >> how much pie? how bad of a pie problem do you have? >> i really like pie. it's as if -- >> in england they call everything pie. >> this is true, yeah. >> stephen: they chop up filtration organs and put them in a crust and go, "pie?"
>> stephen: delicious. >> if those sheppards are passed, then they can be in the pie. that's the rule. >> stephen: you don't want any pie? no more pie? >> no more pie. >> stephen: no more pie? >> no more pie. >> stephen: really? are you sure? >> oh, no! >> stephen: no more pie? ( cheers and applause ) come on. >> oh, we're going to be city civilized. right now. >> stephen: i'm having pie flash back. >> pie-back. >> stephen: that is really good. >> no pie -- >> again, if you bury your face in it and scream no one can hear. huge cliffhanger last season on "the walking dead." >> yes. >> stephen: spoiler alert, you're still alive. having been on a show that is so successful and is so violent, so much, are you inured to the violence now?
>> stephen: really? >> being on the show has not made me stronger to the elements or to any violence. it's made me extremely squeamish, like, so squeamish. if you say "needle," i will fall in the pie. >> stephen: i won't say that then. >> i just said it! (bleep)! ( laughter ). >> stephen: and you didn't fall down, so i caught you in a lie! ( laughter ) well, thank you so much lauren cohan. "the walking dead" airs sundays on amc. lauren cohan, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by sleigh bells. ? you know that i love you ? i can't help myself ? of great savingsco has y and great service. over seventy-five years. wait. seventy-five years? that is great. speaking of great, check out these hot riffs. you like smash mouth?
? watching you from the chair dragging a brush through your hair ? you just rattle the air you know i'm grieving ? giving off heat oh ? cross my heart hope to die ? you and i you and i ? why are we sharing the breath ? till there's nothing le but carbon dioxide ? why won't you let me come over and do what you want me to oooh ? i can only stare i can only stare ? it's pulling my heart down it's pulling my heart down ? i can only stare i can only stare ? it's pulling my heart down
? it's pulling my heart down it's pulling my heart down ? i can only stare i can only stare ? it's pulling my heart down it's pulling my heart down ? you and me there's nothing left for her ? never fully heals never fully ? you and me there's nothing left for her ? never fully heals never fully ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be lauren graham and justin long. now stick around for james corden and his guests, jessica alba, kate mara and ken jeong. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show